Keeping busy

Hey
So I've been trying to figure out what is the best way to get through the holidays when a women has IF hanging over her like a dark cloud making everything seem a lot darker than it is. Looking on the internet i found a lot of things about this subject. However i'm really starting to think that most of the information put out there is for women with IF, by women who don't have IF. A lot of the things on the web sites i found said things like "just don't think about it" and "if it bothers you just don't go to the event". There was nothing that i found that was actually helpful. I know, I know, there probably out there, but i never found one.

So i'm just going to have to try my best and bawl my eyes out when i need to cause that's just how it's going to have to be. One of the "helpful hints" was don't go out to do your Christmas shopping do it all on line. Well thats nice for some people but i can't do that kinda thing, I have to go to the store like most people do. However i have found a great way to go about this. Do all my shopping in one store and all at once so everything will be done and over with in a matter of 1 to 2 hours. That is why i love big stores like Wal-mart and Zellers. Yes i know they are corporate giants that take out the little guys. But they have everything i need in one location. Yes i have to endure being in a store with crying babies but i also have the chose to take advantage of their 24hr days leading up to Christmas. Yes, maybe the staff there might be a little cranky when you stroll in at midnight, but you pretty much have the store to your self and you can beat all the long line ups,and you can pass through the isles with out seeing that happy family that always seems to me to be flaunting it. It's a big help when you can put it more out of mind like this. So that is my helpful hint for surviving the Christmas shopping dilemma.

As for get together's and events, that one is hard cause each situation is different. I just try my best and I trust myself to look at what the event is, who will be there, and then i talk about it with my Hubby. His opinion is very helpful cause he knows me better than myself and this is hard on him too, so he has feelings about every thing too.

Anyway i rambled on enough... Just one last thing we had the Hubby tested for the first time and we got great news. His count was 51 million. Yay!

AF She arrives

Ok so on Friday around 1pm I got my dear AF. It was kinda sad in a way cause as i said on my last post there might have been a chance. But i have to be positive this month as i am starting into a new phase. I need to keep positive and hope that my Little Follies grow and i can have my iui some time next week. Oh man i just relized that it's just next week that it happens. I'm getting so excited, On Monday the 14th i will be going in for a ultrasound and some blood tests to see how i'm progressing. I hope so much that everything will look great. Its so scary knowing so much is riding on me ovulating however i am positive that becasue of my Doc's aggressive route to acheive ovulation I just might have a chance. I'm getting super excited but i know it's going to suck cause i will be dealing with the hated 2ww right during the holidays. But i will however be able to take a HPT on New Years. What better way to be able to start the new year out with a fresh start.

Right now i'm looking up different ways of dealing with infertility over the holidays and how to survive the 2WW. I'll post what i find and let you know. I hope i can find some helpful stuff cause i'm only on CD4 and i'm already going nuts. Well at least its a short trip....

No AF, so now what?

So, yesterday i called my Doc's and let them know that AF has not come to visit and i'm getting worried. At first i thought i was just doing something silly by calling when i've heard of some women not getting it for 2 weeks after the BCP. Well as that has never been the case with me when i have ever taken anything to bring on AF they jumped on it right away and sent me a requsition to have Beta HCG blood test done. Which now of course even though i try not to let it, I've been getting my hopes up agian thinking "may be i'll get that oh so desired BFP" (big fat positive) "that i might just have a bun in the oven". it's so hard because i know i shouldn't get excited about it. but i can't help myself. I'm already doing the signs of "getting my hopes up syndrom" which i suffer from every time any one of my Doctors have ever said they want to take a pregnancy test. I know i have come down with a bad case of this when i show the following symptoms.
1. Google becomes your best friend or posibly your worse enemy, because of being curious of things like when i'll be due, or early pregnancy signs, etc.
2. You think about every time you might have had a possible sign.
3. You have to restrain your self from buying every singel HPT in the store
4. You hold off on taking any test because you want to enjoy even just for another day more of the sheer bliss of ignorance of not knowing that it is a BFN. But to enjoy the fact that there is still a 50% chance it is a BFP.
5. Now this one is the worst, you start day dreaming, sounds not so bad but when you start you can't stop. You think about when you'll tell you DH and his reation. You then think about telling the soon to be Grandparents. But then you start thinking about even more dangerous things like the upcoming Christmas holidays and how you'll be able to tell every one and then you think about next Christmas and how you'll have a little one to hold and do all those great things that Parents get to do for their kids on Christmas.
After going through all these blissful symptoms you then get the dreaded phone call from the Doc's saying "I'm so sorry Mrs Sumner but your test came back negative" that is when all of those symptoms come back to bite you in the butt. You start thinking about all the things you looked up or day dreamed about and think " will those things ever happen for me?" And this is when you feel like yet agian you failed.

After going through these steps over the past few years over and over agian, I'm already mad at my self because i'm seeing the symptoms pop their heads out again and taunting me to just enjoy the bliss of ingnorance and think about what if... Oh well might as well enjoy it while i can. I won't be getting the test results back for a few days anyway because of the weekend ayway.

Waiting for AF to start...

Ok I'm getting more and more frusterated. AF still isn't showing up, as of today it is days 6 after taking BCP to bring on AF. I have a really nice form that i post on regularly and the people i have been talking to have told me it can sme times take a really long time. However my biggest issue is that i have a deadline. My Doc's office closes for the Holidays on the 18th and will not be opening again for 2 weeks. As today is the 2nd and AF still hasn't arrived i'm not sure if i'm going to make it. I really want to be able to have the iui before the holidays as, even though i know i shouldn't put my hopes up to high, I still have this feeling that it is going to work. At the same time i have gotten feelings like this before, like when i was really positive i was pregnant, which was a BFN. It's hard enough as it is having to deal with all the pressure and worry of ovulating and growing big enough follies, etc... But then to add to it all by not getting AF to even start. Well that is kinda putting me over the edge. It's weird cause i'm getting all the PMS i norally get when i'm expecting her visit. But nothing.
I wonder if there is a home remedy that can make AF come faster? Ah well she'll come when she comes. I think maybe my stressing about it maybe whats delaying the visit. I sure hope not though, that would suck to know it's me.

Worried to get my hopes up but he sounds convincing...

On November 20th my DH and I went to our first appointment to the fertility clinic. I was nervous, i didn't know what to expect. The Doc was running a bit behind so that just made my nerves get worse. when we finally got into his office i was shocked how relaxed it was. Instead of the normal Doc sitting behind a desk and you in hard uncomfortable chairs, his desk was a coner desk pushed up against the wall and he had two very compfortable chairs at the side and he wheeled his oun chair over to us to talk. It seemed more like a freind talking to us than a Doc. I have always been treated by doctors as if i'm taking up their time and you've got 5 seconds to tell me what i need to treat you, then get out. I got proof of that when i saw what my Gyno wrote about me in his report, all it said was "infertile" that's it. Even the Doc was surprised. He that asked my my history and wrote down as much as i said, and i talk alot. After getting my history and finding out that i have already done the whole Clomid & Metformin rounds he started telling us his plans on how he was going to get us preg. I couldn't believe how excited he seemed it was infectious. He told us that he would put me on Clomid again but this time give it a healping hand with Femera and a steroid (can't ever remember the name of it) to cut down the male hormones my body always seems to make in to much of an abundance. he then told us that he would also like to do IUI's with the meds. After telling us all the information we could possibly need, which he talked for over 30mins with us just about that, he then did something no doctor has ever done. He asked if we had any questions, then, wait for it... he accually listened and answered our questions. What a breath of fresh air. I was amazing he told us that he wanted to start right away with doing a IUI before the holidays. I was shocked. I have always wanted to have a doctor that was going to be aggressive and work on thing with me it amazing time.

So now, I'm waiting for AF to show her head so we can start the first cycle. Doc gave me some BCP to bring her on so i hope to have it today. I've never wanted her to show herself more. Biggest problem will be trying to get through the 2 week wait(2ww) which i will be enduring over the Christmas holidays. I'll be needing some extra sticky baby dust sent my way over the next few weeks.

Ok, so lets start at the begining....

My Darling Husband (DH) and I were married on May 20th 2006. Shortly after we had to move as my husband got a great job in a nearby city. I worked a couple of odd jobs trying to find one that fit well but didn't find anything for a while. During this time in the fall of 2006 my husband and i started to stop our birth control and see what would happen. After a few false alarms i started to worry as i have always had issues with my Aunt Flow (AF) and her timing. She always came either late or not at all since i was 11. I had always said i might have problems to my DH but he always told me not to worry. In the summer of 2007 I had been waiting on AF and she was, as usual, 2 months late. So i decided to go to the walk in clinic nearby and see if they could do a pregnancy test on me. It was negative but they did a blood test just in case and ordered an ultra sound. I was called into the clinic a couple days later and was told i had PCOS. This is when every thing in my life can in line. It is the reason i have alot of the issues i do like weight, hair, and more. Anyway i don't want to go to deep into it just to leave you with a understanding of what has happened in the past few years. I was sent to a couple different doctors and had a Laser Lap. which didn't work, I was back to square one within 2 months after it. I was then on Clomid and a combo of Clomid and Metformin. I found that the 150 dose of clomid was the only one that worked for me. After being on it at 150 for 6 months i went off of it for a couple months to give my body a break. Then we went back on it. Unfortunately this time it didn't work any more. That is when my Gyno told me that he thought i should go to a Fertility Clinic. And here is were i am now. Well kinda... i've already had my first visit, but that will be for the next blog, i've rambled on enough for now.

Java What?

I'm sorry to all people who understand and know all about this stuff. But ever since I married a major computer guy, all I know is that every time I hear the term "Java Script", I keep on thinking "Isn't that a drink at Starbucks?". I know, I know, every programmer that happens to read this is now shaking their heads at me right now. But for any wives/spouse out there that may know what I'm talking about, they probably would agree with me. Oh yes, I do try to pay attention and understand that thing that he loves with a passion. I realize that he tries to explain this stuff to me but I feel as I'm a lost cause. Oh well, thanks Hun for trying. I love ya for it.